


Always Here

by amberxwrites



Series: Hollyoaks Oneshots [5]
Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Suicide Attempt, i for some reason like making everyone suicidal, james actually opens up for once, juliet isn't a little shit in this, sid deserves the whole world, ste and james had two scenes together and i started shipping them, ste and james secretly like each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:35:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27618449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amberxwrites/pseuds/amberxwrites
Summary: James finds himself opening up to Ste about his past after Sid tries to commit suicide.
Relationships: James Nightingale & Juliet Quinn, Peri Lomax & Sid Sumner, Sid Sumner/Juliet Quinn, Ste Hay & Peri Lomax, Ste Hay & Sid Sumner, Ste Hay/James Nightingale
Series: Hollyoaks Oneshots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019205
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Always Here

**Author's Note:**

> This entire thing is non canon.

**Ste's POV**

"Sid!" I screamed, staring up at the fragile boy who's wheelchair was perched on the edge of the city wall. All it would take was one measly push and he'd fall.

"Sid, please don't do this!"

"Why not?" He cried. "I've got nothing left."

"That's not true!" Peri argued, tears running down her face as she tried to keep herself calm. Since the accident, she had been overwhelmed with guilt. No matter how many times we tried to tell her that it wasn't her fault and that it was just an accident, she was still convinced that she was the one who ruined Sid's life. And now that he was in this position, hanging on the fine line between life and death, I wouldn't be surprised if the guilt was ten times as strong.

"I tried to be positive. I tried to get used to my leg being gone, but I can't." He croaked.

"We'll get you some help. There are rehab facilities that are experts in this sort of thing. We can-"

"Don't you get it? I'm beyond help." The raw emotion in his voice proved that he meant and believed every single word. He truly thought he was worth nothing.

"There's only one person who can get through to him." Peri told me.

"Who?"

"Juliet."

Juliet Nightingale. James Nightingale's half sister. A year ago, I wouldn't have even considered trusting a member of his family. But when I thought back to how he acted when I first came home, there was a part of me that truly believed he had changed. He was the only one who supported me when everyone else pushed me out. He told me I was brave for not running away and that he admired me. Something about that warmed my heart.

So yes, I trusted Juliet to save Sid.

"Get her here now."

~~~

It didn't take long for Juliet to arrive, brushing past Peri and I to get to Sid.

"What the hell are you doing?" She screeched. "You're gonna hurt yourself, you idiot."

She was definitely a Nightingale.

"That's the point." He muttered.

"Are you seriously considering going through with this?" Her voice was suddenly no louder than a whisper. The reality of the situation had just hit and she realised that, if she didn't help him now, she was going to lose her best friend.

"Why not? There's nothing left for me here. Everyone hates me. Jordan disowned me. You're only keeping me around now that everyone's mad at you. All I'm doing is burdening you all with my stupid problems. I don't want to be a burden anymore."

"You're not a burden." She whispered, wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve. "You're my best friend. I can't lose you."

"You deserve better than me. You all do."

It was only then that she snapped.

"How can you be so selfish? You're actually about to kill yourself just to save yourself from the pain? What about the pain we're gonna feel when you're gone? How can you do this to your family? How can you do it to me?"

I reached out to pull her back, but Peri stopped me.

"She knows what she's doing." She mumbled.

Juliet took a step closer, hands shaking as she tried to steady her breathing. Lashing out wouldn't do anything to help him. She needed to be tactical about this.

"A year ago, I almost lost my brother this way. You remember how I was after that night, don't you? Seeing James stood up there, on the verge of giving up.. it nearly broke me. If I actually lost him, I have no idea how I would've gotten past that."

Her words struck me to the core. James tried to commit suicide? I didn't know why it bothered me so much, but it did.

"It's the same with you, Sid. Losing you would destroy me. So please don't do it. Please?"

~~~

Juliet managed to get through to Sid and he let us pull him away from the edge. After we dropped him off back home, Peri said she'd stay with him and I offered to walk Juliet home. Partly because she was so shaken up, but also because I, for some reason, wanted to see James.

She knocked on the door, having left her keys behind. James answered it, looking at her in concern before he noticed my presence, eyes widening in confusion.

"Hello." He greeted me, attention darting right back to his sister.

"Sid tried to kill himself." She whispered, letting her guard down as she fell into his arms. James held her close as she cried, not saying a word. He let her fall apart because she needed it, not because it was more comfortable for him not to have to comfort her. A small, unnoticeable smile made its way onto my face at the sight. I'd never seen James act so parental before.

It suited him.

After a few minutes, Juliet pulled away in embarrassment.

"I'm gonna go clean myself up." She chuckled, turning to face me.

"Thank you for walking me home." She smiled. "Let me know how he is, yeah?"

I nodded. "Of course. Thanks for talking to him."

James raised his eyebrow at me as she left, sensing I had something to say. I cleared my throat, not entirely sure what the best way to bring it up would be.

"While she was talking to Sid," I began, clearing my throat. "Juliet revealed something about you."

"What did she say?"

"That you tried to kill yourself."

He tensed up, avoiding eye contact as he tried to get over the initial shock of what I had just told him. He probably didn't think it would ever get mentioned again.

"Is it true?"

He hesitated before nodding, still not meeting my gaze.

"Can I ask why? Is it something you don't mind taking about?"

He sighed, stepping back to let me inside.

"I guess it might do me some good to talk about it. Besides my family, the only other ones who know are Goldie and Joel."

"Why do they know?"

He rolled his eyes, taking a seat on the arm chair. I tentatively sat down on the sofa, thinking back to the last time I was sitting in James' apartment. It was back when he and John Paul were together and I was comforting the latter over Finn's potential release.

How times change.

"My mother blurted it out to Goldie, who figured talking to Joel would help me. I can't say that it did."

"Well, maybe talking to me might help?"

It was very subtle, but I still caught the corners of his mouth move up in a little twitch. I'd never seen James smile before.

"Yes, maybe it will."

It went silent for a while and just as I thought he had changed his mind about opening up, he opened his mouth.

"After Harry died.. I was a mess. Losing him was like losing a part of myself. You probably felt the same."

"I did." I admitted. Jonny and Stuart hadn't allowed me to grieve for the boy I was so hopelessly in love with, and not going to his funeral was one of my biggest regrets.

"I started drinking the day away and partying all through the night. I had men over all the time, which my mother eventually got sick of and banned me from inviting anyone."

I hadn't handled Harry's death much better than James had. After I left Hollyoaks, I went to visit Doug's family for a while. It was nice to see them again and it allowed me to take my mind off of everything for a bit. But I couldn't stay there forever. So I left. I rented myself a small, crappy apartment and that's when everything went downhill.

"I just felt... empty. Like nothing mattered anymore. My family were constantly worrying about me and I just wanted them to stop. Not because I hated that they cared, but because I didn't want them wasting their time on a waste of space like me."

"You're not a waste of space." I spoke and he sighed.

"I was back then. I struggled to even get out of bed most days. I wanted to be better for Romeo and Juliet, but I just didn't know how to function without Harry. I ended up getting arrested and that's when I discovered that my own mother thought I killed him. I'd never felt so betrayed before and it pushed me to the edge. It all got too much for me and that's when I found myself on a bridge in the rain, empty bottle of wine in my hand."

I'd never seen James so damaged before. Of course I knew about what he went through with Mac and maybe I should've been slightly more sympathetic about it all. But my hatred for him got in the way of my understanding. I should've understood. Mac abused him. Terry abused me. That's why I ended up as a drug addicted disaster, and that's exactly why James was as closed off as he was. Mac made him the man he was. The man who pushed people away because if he let them in, they'd realise how broken he really was. The man that used sarcasm as a defence mechanism to mask the way he really felt. The man who was taught to believe that tears made him weak. The man that struggled to believe anyone actually cared about him because his dad had told him his entire life that no one ever would. The man I used to hate.

I didn't hate him anymore.

"Romeo saved my life and I repayed him by punching him in the face." He let out a cold, cracked laugh. One that revealed everything he was feeling. Regret. Anger. Hatred. All directed at himself.

"Why did you hit him?" I asked, not a hint of accusation in my voice. James wasn't Mac. If he hurt someone, he would've had a reason to do so.

"Because I'm malicious and I'm evil and that's what I do."

"Tell me the truth."

A tear fell and that's what triggered something inside of him. He was crying. He was showing weakness and, for the first time in forever, he seemed to be okay with it.

"I hated myself so much. I guess I thought that, if I acted like Mac, then people would stop trying to help me like they stopped trying to help him."

"Because you felt like you didn't deserve their help?" I concluded and he nodded, letting out a shaky breath.

"But despite all of that, they never gave up on me. I've been through hell but I'm still here. I'm still fighting. That's got to mean something, right?"

"It does." I agreed, shifting closer to him. "It means you're so much better than Mac Nightingale. You won. You spent your entire life fighting his darkness and you won. He can't hurt you anymore."

He stayed silent for a few seconds before he whispered, "thank you."

I reached out, resting my hand on his.

"I'm always here for you."

He met my gaze for the first time since I arrived and smiled. I don't know what came over me, but the urge was strong and I didn't think twice about giving in.

I kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope we see more of these two being civil.


End file.
